AURAKROWN BLOG
HOW TO SET PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
WITH A BUSY SCHEDULE
Personal Boundaries: Step by Step
God knows, I’ve been faced with many hard lessons about the need to have clear boundaries in order to grow, and have recently noticed others talking about personal boundaries as well. But what are they and how do we apply them? How do we know when it’s right to let our boundaries down or stay firm in them? Why is it hard to stay committed to our boundaries?
I’ll answer these questions as best I can, based on my own personal experience, and I’ll provide a step-by-step guide for implementing boundaries into your life.
Firstly, what are personal boundaries?
A personal boundary is a mental construct that you build based on an understanding of your own limits, and what you will or will not tolerate in your life. Its purpose is to create an environment for yourself - internally and externally - that is conducive to your greatest growth and wellbeing.
Put another way, it is being honest with yourself about what you can handle and setting up a system that helps ensure you don’t take on too much. It is also the ability to advocate for your needs when handling interpersonal relationships.
Analogy:
When growing herbs from seed, some herbs do best when started indoors in a more controlled environment before being transferred to outside soil. The herb represents where you are in your stage of growth. The indoor conditions are the boundaries that make it conducive to your greatest wellbeing at your stage of growth. The next stage of the herb’s journey (outside) will have different parameters (boundaries) for the upkeep of its health and continued growth.
Step-by-Step Application with Examples:
Pick something that you want to see change.
Example: You want more time for self-care so that you can be less stressed in your family dynamic.
Create the boundary.
Example: A daily, 30-minute window of uninterrupted time to do self-care practices.
Communicate the boundary.
Example: You communicate to your family that you - and by extension, they - will be best served if you could have an allotment of uninterrupted alone time for self-care. The 30-minute window is agreed upon.
Stay committed.
Example: Do what it takes to do what you said you were gonna do. Set reminders for your 30-minute window, and keep up communication with your family about it daily.
Be flexible.
Example: Life happens. If something comes up and you can’t get the full 30 minutes in, do it for shorter, or just jump back on the next day.
How to tweak your boundaries over time:
The boundaries that you will create help you and those around you grow and expand. If those boundaries are unchanging, then growth may suffer. Most of your boundaries will need to change over time, because YOU are changing. Because you were honest about what you could handle, the edge of your limits has grown past the boundary. Communication is the key to success.
Continuing from the examples above:
A couple of weeks pass and you have established a good rhythm with your alone time and family. You now feel more clear-headed, less stressed, and have a better idea of how to rebalance your energetic fields. Because of this, you need less time to recalibrate. Now you understand that a daily, 20-minute window will suffice for your alone time.
Maybe, your newly found clear-headedness has made you a more effective communicator with your family. You’re able to better understand each other and make sure everyone’s needs are met. Your family sees the positive change in your energy and the family dynamic. They encourage you to take more time for yourself, and you all agree to a daily, 45-minute alone time experiment.
Many boundaries will be in flux, as depicted in the above example. As you become more skilled at advocating for your needs, the people around you experience the collective benefits and will be more willing to participate with you in the dance of expansion.
Why it’s hard to stay committed, and what to do about it:
Especially for mothers in general, it can be challenging to uphold boundaries for the simple fact that we are natural caretakers and want to give of ourselves freely to our children. However, if we do not take care of our energy and implement personal boundaries, then our nurturing abilities will be diminished. It can take time and experience to learn how to be honest with what our limits are: They are constantly in flux and that is absolutely ok.
In my personal experience, an extremely helpful solution has been to simply feel into my body. It only takes a moment to check in - to see how my mind, emotions, body, and heart are feeling - and ask myself, “What do I need in this moment? What am I capable or not capable of right now?”
Doing these quick check-ins throughout the day, or before you proceed to the next thing on your to-do list, can help you discover what your needs/limits are, and get clear on what needs to change so that you can implement the necessary boundaries. If you are always on the go, set alarms on your phone with reminders to tune in. (See previous blog post “How to Set Reminders”).
Closing Thoughts
I hope that the steps outlined above can help you start making the changes you want to see in your life.
The application of personal boundaries, if done right, will enhance your well-being and growth, and bring harmony between you and the people in your life. It may be challenging to communicate and uphold your boundaries at times, but the benefits far outweigh the periodic discomfort. The best teacher is experience. The more you practice upholding, tweaking, and communicating your boundaries, the better you will become!
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